Fresh Outlook

My husband is gone this week on a golfing trip, and I miss him dearly.  I must admit though, that I thought I would be a complete mess without him here with our two kids, but I'm quite pleasantly surprised and pleased with myself, and I've figured out why. 

I've heard it said before that you never know how strong you are until you have no other choice.  This is so true.  I find that I've been much more responsible these last couple days, and much more organized.  At first I felt bad about this.  It made me sad that maybe I'm better without him, but that's not the case at all.  I miss him very much and at the end of the day, I want to be with him so badly, it hurts, but I've realized that my life-long problem with authority has not ended with my husband.  I didn't realize that I saw him as an authoratative figure in my life until now.  I've been defiant towards him.  Anything that I know he wants me to get done...namely, the household chores, I subconsciously refuse to do just because he has requested that I do them.  As he's been absent, I find that my ambition and drive to get things done is heightened to a whole new level.  My sense of accomplishment is diminished when I feel as though I'm doing something for the sole purpose of pleasing someone else. 

I've seen the error of my ways.  The problem wasn't him telling me what to do too much, it was my defiance that was leading him to tell me what do to.  He has only tried to make me a better person since the day we met, and this was his way of continuing that pattern.  I needed to realize though that I was only hurting myself and my girls, by acting in this childish way.  If I would keep the house clean to begin with, my sense of accomplishment would stay in tact, and so would our relationship.  I'm so grateful to God for bringing this to light.  I'm finally starting to grow up.

My Mind Is A Junk Drawer

The beauty of a junk drawer is that you can find lots of little treasures and things you've missed without really knowing you've missed them until you find them again.There is also lots of "junk" to be sorted through, which is usually why junk drawers stay so junky for so long.  The junky part sucks.  It seems extremely overwhelming when you first pull that drawer open.  There's no order to any of it, and it's so much easier (for that brief moment) to sift through all of it real quick to get the paper clip or safety pin that you just KNOW is in there. 

See, but the problem is that when you need something out of that drawer and you start searching, there's all this other shit in the way, and you end up getting so frustrated that the sifting becomes shoving and the shoving becomes slamming, and you can't even focus on finding that thing anymore because you've become preoccupied with all the junk.  At your time of need, the time you needed that very handy, necessary, useful item...it was lost among all the junk.

It feels good to dump it all out in front of you, and get to work on it.  At the end of the organizing, and throwing away, and the joyful smiles, those seemingly lost gems bring to your face, you have a beautiful thing again.  The shitty part is that no matter how long you keep it lookin' nice, the junk starts to accumulate. The trick is to clear out the junk often enough, so it doesn't overwhelm you the next time.

(Romans 12:2)

Ten Things I Love About My TEETH

That's right...my teeth.  They are large and in charge, and haven't really been the source of self-confidence in my youth, but I'm learning to love every unique thing about me...so here are ten things I LOVE about them

10 - It's easy to brush a large target.
9 - Not only are they large, but also strong and I LOVE chewing ice with them
8 - You can see my smile from a mile away
7 - They match my big beautiful lips
6 - They are PERFECT for opening wrappers, and removing tags
5 - Great jokes come from them... (example: If you were a rapper, they'd have to make you an extra large grill.)  Courtesy of my husband.  I laughed so hard I almost peed.
4 - I almost always hit the rim of cups on them while drinking...believe it or not, it makes me laugh every time.
3 - They match Seester's teeth.
2 - They make for a fantastic weapon
1 - When I play with my daughter, she laughs hysterically when I chomp them in her ear

A Tribute to a Flower

If I never again hear the grieving cries of a mother, it will be too soon.  Now that I am a mother of two little flowers, this mother's loss of her Lily, was almost too much to bare. 

What can one possibly say to soothe her trembling, or ease the pain she feels when the lid closes?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Even thinking of what might make me feel just a tiny bit of joy in such agony, I come up with nothing. 

Just hold her.  Just support her legs from buckeling beneath her. 

She's just lost her flower.

What an ass hole!

This punk ass addiction is really pissing me off.  (Warning: This blog post may contain some profanity).  It won't leave me alone, and I'm starting to view it as a little ass hole that's always following me around whispering dumb shit in my ear to piss me off enough to slip. 

This is what it does.  It starts off real simple by telling me I am SOOOOO tired.  Yea, whatever...I have a 2 month old and a 5 year old, ya douche bag, of course I'm tired. Then it tells me my body hurts, and tries to convince me that I'm in too much pain to get everything done today that I need to.  I call bullshit!  My 71 year old grandma still does laundry and the dishes and she's got crippling arthritus.  Then, if that doesn't work, this little bastard starts in with the insults.  Go put some makeup on, you look like shit...God you're ugly, good thing you don't have to find a husband, cuz you already got one and he's stuck, poor guy...wow, one load of laundry, and you threw some shit in the slow cooker.  That isn't real cooking, ya know, a 2 year old could do that. 

Well, this is what I say to the little prick who won't shut the hell up....

STFU!!!!  I'm done with you and all your lies.  If I heard anyone talk like that to someone I care about, I'd probably kick their ass, and guess what...I'm starting to care about myself...so get ready for an ass whoopin'!

Sadness

Today I title my blog post sadness.  I feel sad.  I don't like feelings very much.  In fact this is probably one of the biggest reasons I use...not to feel ANYTHING!  Feelings are too complicated, and they make people do strange things.  I don't like 'em...not one bit.  There have been two deaths that I have learned of in one day.  That makes for a whole lot of "trigger" feelings for someone like me.

My husband's cousin Lilly died this afternoon.  I was sad.  I also learned of the death of someone I've known since the 5th grade.  I was really sad.  Double the amount of sad in one day.  It's almost too much for me, but somehow, I'm still ok.  Shaky, but ok...anxious, but ok...SAD but OK. 

I guess I just kicked another monster's ass...

New Year New Me...GOOOOOO!

Well, here I am in the year 2013.  I slipped.  At the end of last year, I slipped.  I fell pretty hard, but luckily, seester was around to help pick me up.  I'm starting to glue all of the broken pieces of me back together, but I'm realizing that some of those pieces have been missing since before my slip, and I hadn't even noticed until now.  I'm finding little bits and pieces of me through counceling, and through support groups, but there's always some sort of ugly monster standing in the way of whichever missing piece I happen to come across.  I have to defeat the monster before I can get to the piece, and each monster is ready to put up a fight.  Well, I'm fighting.  That is all.